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 The Comedy Store

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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:28 am

Prostate Check Up



Went for a check up today, new procedure...........







NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE PROSTRATE PROBLEMS!!!
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left sideand again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One....
two…
three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
*************************************************************************


Clive
1970 4.2 420G -17th from last RHD -Reggie
1970 4.2 420G -13th from last RHD -Ronnie
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:52 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Sun Feb 26, 2012 8:08 pm

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!




One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,
she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'


He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "




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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:21 pm

A funny photo.
If your dog's afraid to walk into the vet's...................carry him.

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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:06 am

***WARNING*** CONTAINS A NAUGHTY WORD!!! (BUT FUNNY).








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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:09 pm

Making a Baby (not one dirty word in it).

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith .

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs.Smithleaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Tue Mar 06, 2012 11:32 pm

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!


I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 09, 2012 4:46 am

Excellent Dave lol!

Another cracker Exclamation

----------------------------------------


Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders....!

"Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, our regular cook fell ill, and we had to get a replacement on short notice.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice."

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef."

"The meal went okay, but Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself

"By now, the Bill was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened."

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:"
"Sack my cook."

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

And that, ladies and gentlemen is why we pay millions for public relations spin-artists”.


Clive
1970 4.2 420G -17th from last RHD -Reggie
1970 4.2 420G -13th from last RHD -Ronnie
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:46 am

Kids Teaching The Teacher

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 09, 2012 7:39 pm

What Would You Call This Dog?

Suggestions please......



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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:08 am


Wife by text to husband at work
"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.


Clive
1970 4.2 420G -17th from last RHD -Reggie
1970 4.2 420G -13th from last RHD -Ronnie
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:17 pm

Nature is wonderful at adjusting for physical disabilities. For example blind people develop a wonderful sense of sound and touch - and if you have one short leg - the other one is always a bit longer. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:32 pm

Pants VS Panties....

Scott was going to be married to Dawn so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Scott, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Scott. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Scott took off his pants and said to Dawn, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Scott said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Dawn took off her panties and handed them to Scott She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Scott did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Dawn said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'




Now send this along to all the women in
your life that you know will appreciate
this.....
and to all the guys who know the truth!


Clive
1970 4.2 420G -17th from last RHD -Reggie
1970 4.2 420G -13th from last RHD -Ronnie
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:22 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:37 am

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.Then God said, "Cross the river.."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that o him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

"What's a headache?"
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:45 am

Clap


Clive
1970 4.2 420G -17th from last RHD -Reggie
1970 4.2 420G -13th from last RHD -Ronnie
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:33 pm

Order In Court Please

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________ ______ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________ ______ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________ ______ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________ ______ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________________________ ______ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
________________________ ______ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
________________________ ______ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
________________________ ______ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
________________________ ______ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
________________________ ______ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________ ______ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________ ______ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________ ______ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________ ______ ________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Mon Mar 19, 2012 11:46 pm

Work Safe


The sun was hot already – it was only 8 o’clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers,ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
“Typical bloody sheep,” he thought, “they’ve got no common sense,
“They won’t go through a gateway but they’ll jump a bloody fence.”

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She’d stay there ’til she carked it if he didn’t get her out.
But when he reached the water’s edge, the startledewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn’t rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to takea swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers,boots and socks
And as he couldn’t stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn’t get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he’dhang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn’t really think he’d get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly “Come back here, you lousy bitch!”

The stock rep didn’t hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky’s reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:19 pm

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

You may need to be an Australian to understand – feel free to post if you need clarification!

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine.
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.
Mateshit: all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
Crackie-daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Thu Mar 22, 2012 9:33 pm

Paddy and Mary went to the movie the other night and sat next to the aisle as they usually do, because it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature film was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, oh - sorry, did I tread on your foot, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to Paddy the film was starting. He tried to look around her and was a little impatient, so he said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier like everyone else"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Mobil Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:44 pm

Goldfish Funeral

http://youtu.be/JJ5co_m4LA4
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:17 pm

Lost Dog

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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Sat Mar 24, 2012 1:52 am

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick :
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________


Clive
1970 4.2 420G -17th from last RHD -Reggie
1970 4.2 420G -13th from last RHD -Ronnie
Symposium Enquiries to The Global Team  Arrow info@lancashireclassicjaguarhire.co.uk
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Worldwide Supplier of Parts for Jaguar MK10 420G
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db08
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:38 pm

You Were Warned!!!



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db08
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Posts : 406
Join date : 2011-10-02
Age : 59
Location : Perth, Western Australia

PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   Fri Mar 30, 2012 9:21 pm

Beating The Odds

There is no point in joining Gamblers Anonymous unless they give you better than 3 to 1 odds against being cured.
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PostSubject: Re: The Comedy Store   

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The Comedy Store
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